Skee ya da bee da bop!

Posted on December 5th, 2005

Twain said “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt,” but that's a crock of shit when it comes to generating good ideas. You ever get stuck in a brainstorm with someone who's afraid of sounding dumb? They'll sit there quietly – not wanting to say anything too obvious, not wanting to say anything too out there – and end up not saying anything at all. Sometimes you just have to get the shit-eating scatmen out of your system before you can move on.

What is true, however, is that there's no such thing as a new idea. The scatman thing? It's been done. Kind of. A few years back, having already made the mental connection between improvisational jazz vocals and the most repulsive fetish this side of necrobestiality, I could only stare in slack-jawed wonder as the Good Humor Man sang and danced across my TV screen, turning cartwheels with an ice cream cone in each hand – to the tune of freakin' Scatman. I still have nightmares about the children's hungry, chocolate-stained faces.

I spent hours, HOURS, scouring the Internet yesterday without finding a single shred of proof, but I swear to you before God and George Lucas that it's 100% true. If you can find the ad, or if you worked on it, I beg you to send me a link. Jamie has no idea what I'm talking about and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

On the subject of things I've begged you to send me, thanks to everyone who entertained, inspired and creeped the living shit out of us with your descriptions of Jamie's penis. I feel the way William Shatner must have when he read his first bit of Kirk/Spock slash fiction. Here are a few of our favourites:

The Steamroom
  • …split open like an overcooked hot dog wiener. (Anonymous)
  • …huuuuge. (BobiJo)
  • …salubrious. (Ben)
  • …a Mobius strip. (Ben)
  • …awakened something inside me I thought was dead. (Chris)
  • …why cavemen drew on walls. (Keith)
  • …on my foot. (Keith)
  • …got the sleek, aerodynamic lines of a 2005 Honda Accord. (Keith)
  • …ridden with oozing, pustulant sores. (melancholykitty)
  • …missing. (Zia)
  • …fully erect and throbbing. (Steve)
  • …pierced. (R.CAIN)
  • …smiling at me. (Anonymous)
  • …crusted shut. (IG88)
  • …laminated because condoms are too much work. (Anonymous)
  • …got the vestigial teeth of your conjoined twin. (GTM)
  • …spectacular. (Noel)
  • …touching me. (LoriD)

I wish we could list them all, but I'm pretty sure several are illegal even to talk about. Special prize to Keith and Ben for being repeatedly quotable.

- Graham

Seriously, I beg you to send any Good Humor Scatman leads to

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