December
5th, 2005
Twain said
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people
think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt,”
but that's a crock of shit when it comes to generating good
ideas. You ever get stuck in a brainstorm with someone who's
afraid of sounding dumb? They'll sit there quietly –
not wanting to say anything too obvious, not wanting to say anything
too out there – and end up not saying anything at all. Sometimes
you just have to get the shit-eating scatmen out of your system
before you can move on.
What is true,
however, is that there's no such thing as a new idea. The
scatman thing? It's been done. Kind of. A few years
back, having already made the mental connection between improvisational
jazz vocals and the most repulsive fetish this side of necrobestiality,
I could only stare in slack-jawed wonder as the Good Humor Man
sang and danced across my TV screen, turning cartwheels with an
ice cream cone in each hand – to
the tune of freakin' Scatman. I still have nightmares
about the children's hungry, chocolate-stained faces.
I spent hours,
HOURS, scouring the Internet yesterday without finding a single
shred of proof, but I swear to you before God and George Lucas
that it's 100% true. If you can find the ad, or if you worked
on it, I beg you to send me a link. Jamie has no idea what I'm
talking about and I feel like I'm taking crazy
pills.
On the subject
of things I've begged you to send me, thanks to everyone
who entertained, inspired and creeped the living shit out of us
with your descriptions of Jamie's
penis. I feel the way William Shatner must have when he read
his first bit of Kirk/Spock
slash
fiction. Here are a few of our favourites:
 |
- …split
open like an overcooked hot dog wiener. (Anonymous)
- …huuuuge.
(BobiJo)
- …salubrious.
(Ben)
- …a
Mobius strip. (Ben)
- …awakened
something inside me I thought was dead. (Chris)
- …why
cavemen drew on walls. (Keith)
- …on
my foot. (Keith)
- …got
the sleek, aerodynamic lines of a 2005 Honda Accord. (Keith)
- …ridden
with oozing, pustulant sores. (melancholykitty)
|
- …missing.
(Zia)
- …fully
erect and throbbing. (Steve)
- …pierced.
(R.CAIN)
- …smiling
at me. (Anonymous)
- …crusted
shut. (IG88)
- …laminated
because condoms are too much work. (Anonymous)
- …got
the vestigial teeth of your conjoined twin. (GTM)
- …spectacular.
(Noel)
- …touching
me. (LoriD)
|
I wish we
could list them all, but I'm pretty sure several are illegal
even to talk about. Special prize to Keith and Ben for being repeatedly
quotable.
