Graham's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your Performance Review
I once won an office weight loss contest by fattening up before the first weigh-in. The same logic can get you promoted. Spend the months leading up to your review being terrible at your job. Performance, attitude, hygiene: do your best to do your worst. Sure, you'll get a written warning this year, but you've set the bar so low that next year you'll be able to take those "areas for improvement" to the bank.
Even the best workers should be prepared to hear some constructive criticism. When your supervisor gives you feedback, roll your eyes and make a "jerking off" motion with your hand. Now your boss is forced to question the validity of a complaint so easily dismissed.
Turn your supervisor's monitor to face you and suddenly it's your desk and they're the supplicant. If they try to turn it back, tell them to keep their goddamn hands off your shit and jerk your thumb at the door. It's Who's The Boss and you're Tony Danza!*
"Can you prove you didn't offer to save my job if I'd let you blow me?"
Write a six-digit number on a piece of paper. Put it face down on the table and slide it over to your boss. If they get mad, fold it into a swan. The ancient art of Japanese paper folding will quench their fire as surely as a haiku must reference cherry blossoms.**
The best way to get money is to show up at your review with a distended belly and flies swarming around your eyes. It works for those starving African kids on TV. Jesus Christ, I'm writing a cheque just thinking about it.
*Yes, technically Judith Light's character was the boss on the show, but it was clearly a Tony Danza vehicle, created to leverage the brand equity he'd built on Taxi. And you thought you were so fucking smart.
**Paper wings take flight/Rising in the evening sun/Cherry blossom falls
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