Graham's
Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your Performance Review
I once won
an office weight loss contest by fattening up before the first
weigh-in. The same logic can get you promoted. Spend the months
leading up to your review being terrible at your job. Performance,
attitude, hygiene: do your best to do your worst. Sure, you'll
get a written warning this year, but you've set the bar
so low that next year you'll be able to take those "areas
for improvement" to the bank.
Even the
best workers should be prepared to hear some constructive criticism.
When your supervisor gives you feedback, roll your eyes and
make a "jerking off" motion with your hand. Now your
boss is forced to question the validity of a complaint so easily
dismissed.
Turn your
supervisor's monitor to face you and suddenly it's your
desk and they're the supplicant. If they try to turn
it back, tell them to keep their goddamn hands off your shit
and jerk your thumb at the door. It's Who's The Boss
and you're Tony Danza!*
"Can
you prove you didn't offer to save my job if I'd let
you blow me?"
Write a
six-digit number on a piece of paper. Put it face down on the
table and slide it over to your boss. If they get mad, fold
it into a swan. The ancient art of Japanese paper folding will
quench their fire as surely as a haiku must reference cherry
blossoms.**
The best
way to get money is to show up at your review with a distended
belly and flies swarming around your eyes. It works for those
starving African kids on TV. Jesus Christ, I'm writing a cheque
just thinking about it.
-Graham
*Yes, technically
Judith Light's character was the boss on the show, but it was
clearly a Tony Danza vehicle, created to leverage the brand
equity he'd built on Taxi. And you thought you were so fucking
smart.
**Paper
wings take flight/Rising
in the evening sun/Cherry
blossom falls
