The Hypocritic Oath

Posted on April 6th, 2009

Hippocrates was the father of medicine and the original "do as I say, not as I do" jerk. No, wait, I was totally getting my root words mixed up. Hypocrite actually comes from the Greek hypokrites, meaning "pretender."

The Pretender
The Hypokrites

Another fun Greek word is "hubris," used to describe sanctimonious bastards just begging for their comeuppance. And if the Twilight Zone taught us anything, it's that the universe couldn't be more eager to fuck you in the most ironic way possible. Why give it ammunition?

Want to have sex with a young prostitute? Maybe crusading prosecuter/politician is not the career for you.

Want to have gay sex on meth? Maybe you should think twice before you dedicate your life to preaching the evils of homosexuality, much less heading a national organization of likeminded evangelists.

Want a career in advertising? Maybe you shouldn't have created an internationally read webcomic mocking potential clients.

In short, opening your mouth is really just a prelude to a public shaming. But you already knew that, didn't you silent kids at the back of the class desperately trying not to make eye contact with the teacher?

At the end of the day, though, who hasn't killed tens of thousands of adorable puppies and kittens who only wanted to give you unconditional love?

Absurdly cute kitten
"im in ur dumpster, expozing ur hypocrizy"

PETA rakes in about $30 million a year in donations. So where does it go, if not to find homes for animals they end up killing? Apparently, towards feeding the marketing director's fetish for nude women in bondage.

Mom? Is that you?
"So, uh, this is helping animals, right?

That last one is protesting the Canadian seal hunt, because nothing says "let's have a rational discussion" like the naked, bloody corpses of three women. I'm no fan of slaughtering baby seals, but at least the clubbers are honest about their killing vs. taking money from people who assume it's going to save animals.

"I respect your honesty. Now please stop crushing my skull."


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