November
7th , 2005
Jamie is a
cool guy. You don't even need me to tell you that –
just look at him. He's got the cool designer clothes,
the fashionably cool piercings and an on-again/off-again relationship
with a soul patch that would look ridiculous on me but only makes
him look even more like a guy who toured the nation as the drummer
in a rock band (which he is and which he did). He has also bathed
in the immortal blood of the Risen Christ.
Oh, he'd never put it that way and will doubtless
be pissed off that I did. His belief system is, as it should be,
an intensely personal, private thing. No chrome fish, Chick
tracts or self-flagellation for Jamie. He wouldn't be
caught dead proselytizing.
In fact, I'm 100% confident he literally doesn't know
the meaning of the word. A true Art Director, he knows sixty names
for the colour blue and none for the hangy thing at the back of
his mouth.
So private is he, in fact, that his beliefs wouldn't come
up at all if atheists like me weren't such self-righteous
bastards. Jamie's called me the most cynical man he's
ever met, though that might just mean he needs to socialize more.
I hope so, because I don't feel cynical. I have a
tremendous respect for the benefits of faith. Without Catholicism,
for example, we wouldn't have the Sistine Chapel ceiling,
Bach's Toccata
and Fugue in D minor, or the naughty
schoolgirl fetish – all of which have enriched my life
beyond measure.
Just the same, I can't help but be amused when people shake
their heads at the naïveté of days gone by, when the
Greeks thought the sun was Apollo driving his chariot across the
sky, Aztecs sacrificed humans to Huitzilopochtli, and Egyptians
worried whether, upon their deaths, Anubis would find their hearts
heavier than a feather and feed them to a demon. Yeah, those empire-building
yokels sure were crazy. Nobody will ever look back on us and shake
their heads as they light candles for the Feast of Elvis.
Okay, I might be a wee bit cynical.
This will shock you to learn, but religion is a touchy subject
for some people. I unwittingly crossed the line last week when
I proposed a concept that, admittedly, would not play well in
Vatican City. Jamie rightly called me on it. Of course, other
people's beliefs are fair game. He's singled out the
Breatharians for mockery in his links,
and why not? And we're both amazed by the spread of Scientology,
the alien-themed doctrine founded by a science-fiction writer.
The day I figure out how he pulled that one off, you can expect
to see Mutchinians passing out tracts on a street corner near
you.
When you get right down to it, what belief system isn't
entirely predicated on faith? Mine has the endorsement of the
scientific community but Stephen Hawking might as well by an Arch
Druid directly communing with the Absolute, because I just accept
what he says without really understanding the slightest
thing about singularities or superstring theory. I barely understand
sillystring theory, beyond the notion you've got to give
the can a good shake before you spray. For all I know, someone
else is feeding lines to Hawking's voice box and he can't
do a damn thing to stop it.
If Jamie is right, there's a spacious condo with my
name on the lease in the city
of Dis, with the rest of the Heretics. You can be sure I'll
do my damnedest to claw my way up to the second circle, where
the Lustful hang out. Those unwed mothers know how to party. That's
assuming, of course, that everyone in the ad business isn't
automatically consigned to eighth circle of deceivers, seducers
and falsifiers.
Thank you for not tracking me down and killing me.
- Graham
P.S. The hangy
thing at the back of your mouth is called the uvula.
Send your
feedback, death threats and Catholic school uniform photos to
graham@wordsandpicturesonline.com
I'm not
really that religious. Sure I went to a Catholic school,
but so did Graham. I've heard many stories about the crazy
misadventures he had in his Catholic all-boys private school.
(He once smeared chocolate on the bathroom wall to simulate shit
-- I'm sure he had a good reason). Truth be told I haven't
been to church regularly since I was 14. My Son has actually asked
if we could go to church some day. So far I've dodged that bullet
by offering to put on Spiderman or Spiderman2 or filling him up
with Spiderman fruit snacks.
Graham is
right about one thing, though. Those school-girl uniforms. I never
really appreciated them when I was in high school. If I could
travel back in time, I'd surely give myself that little piece
of information. Along with a slap on side the head for that stupid
haircut.
- Jamie
Well, Captain
Secular, if you're not that religious, I challenge
you to watch the “devil movie” of your choice with me.
My pick would be The Exorcist but, knowing your mortal terror
of the genre, I'd let you slide with the 1981 Disney flick
The
Devil And Max Devlin, starring Bill Cosby and Elliot Gould.
You haven't lived until you've seen Dr. Huxtable screaming
he's going to rip out your innards and boil them in oil.
And, for the record, I've never been to an all-boys school.
Also, the Catholic school was a whole different thing from the
private school for gifted students where I honed my superiority
complex to a razor's edge. The chocolate thing is true, but
it was actually Nutella chocolate peanut butter.
- Graham
