September
3rd, 2007
From the ingredients in your hot dog to your mom's sexual fetish,
there's some stuff you're just happier not knowing. How much your
co-workers earn, for instance.
I've
heard it argued that transparency begets equity, that confidentiality
is a tool the management uses to keep underpaid workers docile.
Well... yeah, probably. But are you equipped to handle the knowledge
that the worst employee in the office makes more than you? I wasn't.
A
few years back, Jamie and I worked with an Art Director who spent
most of his days doing freelance work on company time. We actually
lost a pitch because he put his day job on the back burner. It
was bad enough that the rest of the department had to work harder
to pick up his slack, but he was one of those guys who felt compelled
to brag about the shit he got away with. Here's a handy tip for
assholes everywhere: never, ever show your huge paycheck
to the co-workers you're screwing. When
I learned this idiot made $30,000 more than me, I became... upset.
It made me question my employer's judgment and why I was working
harder for less. Worse, a lot of the joy went out of my job. I
have a pretty cool gig, but I lost sight of it for a while, preoccupied
with what I wasn't getting instead of being thankful for what
I had.
Mom
always said "knowledge is power," but tell that to Oedipus.
All he did was come to town, out-riddle a monster, fall in love,
have a few kids and try to solve a murder. Learning he was adopted
–
and the identity of his birth parents –
was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Sometimes it's
just better not to know.
A
short list of things you never want to know:
- What
the waiter did to your food.
- The expired
lottery ticket in your desk would have made you a millionaire
if you'd found it sooner.
- The face
your dad makes during orgasm.
- A big,
hairy spider crawled in your mouth while you were sleeping.
- Before
your grandfather changed it, your family name was Hitler.
- That creaking
wasn't the house settling –
it was a serial killer creeping into your bedroom before he
decided to call it an early night.
- What the
baby would have been like if you'd kept it.
- When you
have sex, your partner pretends you're someone hot.
- If your
child had to choose between you and Barney, they'd choose Barney.
- The cleaning
staff had sex on your desk last night.
- That pen
in your mouth tastes funny because...
- The guy
you're shaking hands with bypassed the sink on his way out of
the toilet.
- The many,
many ways your life would have been better if you'd made different
choices.
