NOTE:
As written, this script was about my punishing Jamie for using
me as a human spell check.* But there's something about the
way Jamie drew himself in the last panel that, to me, changes
the whole meaning of the comic. Look at his expression. Is it
the chagrin of a man stabbed in the back by his friend? Or does
he look exactly like someone who just offered
his heart and is terrified of being rejected? I'm starting to
wonder if I altered the text of his e-mail at all.
This comic
is dedicated to Simon Creet: gifted creative, inspiring leader
and the reason I no longer step away from my desk without shutting
down Outlook. Over a period of several days, that seven-foot-tall
man-child used my account to e-mail several of my colleagues
and no less than four vice-presidents. Here's a sample:
Just
wanted to let you three wonderful women know how much I enjoy
working for you. Every day I learn something new and everyday
I feel I grow as a writer and a man.
Do you see?
Can you even begin to comprehend Creet's evil genius?
Sending a negative/insulting message would have been transparently
fake and led to trouble, to say nothing of being inelegant.
But fawning compliments put me in an extremely awkward
position. I had surprised and delighted executives, several
of whom could have had me fired on a whim, telling me how touched
they were by my kind words. One even wrote an equally flowery
response, save that his sentiment was genuine while "mine"
had been faked. How do you tell someone that you never actually
intended to compliment them?
A little
earlier I was thinking how bad it would be if I had never
met you and it made me really sad. I realized at that moment
that you are much more than a just a boss and a mentor –
you are a source of genuine inspiration and constant encouragement
for me. I just thought you should know.
Yes, that's
the one that went to my boss. This next one's short but sweet.
And creepy.
I like
you. Just the way you are.
My favourite
has to be the one he sent to an executive vice-president
notorious for not taking any shit:
I've
been thinking. About you. And I just wanted you to know how
much I like you and respect you. I also think you're a very
dapper dresser and your vocabulary never fails to impress.
You inspire me to be a better employee and a better person
in general. Don't change a thing.
I invested
a lot of energy struggling to devise a revenge worthy of his
game. Using his e-mail to send fake messages would only
be regurgitating his idea. I wanted to be more original than
that. Then it struck me. By this point, I'd made sure people
knew what Simon was doing and that any weird e-mail from me
was almost certainly sent by him. I realized that fact gave
me carte blanche to send inappropriate messages to whomever
I wished. I could say anything I wanted and people would know
– know – it had been Simon.
Then he
called a truce and I let it slide. Crappy ending, I know.
Let's just
pretend I stabbed him.
-Graham
*I tried
sooo hard to come up with a punchline that wasn't homophobic.
I wrote bald jokes ("Dear Boss. I can tell by your eyebrows
that you used to have nice hair. Good for you!"), vulgar
jokes ("Dear Boss. Your wife looks like she sucks a
mean cock. Good for you!") and random nonsense, but
nothing struck us quite so funny as me using Jamie's e-mail
to make a clumsy pass at our boss. Our sincere apologies to
any readers or relatives who might have been offended.
