Burning Hot Hate

Posted on March 27th, 2006

I really do hate it when he does this. I don't know whether it's the desire to feel superior or his innate ability to take the nerdiest things to an extreme, but he just can't seem to help himself. It's not just poetry, though. God, I wish it was just poetry. Most of the time it's show tunes or children's books. Suffice it to say I strategically avoid any conversation that references eggs or ham (though his aversion to ham that transcends this blog, more later).

-Jamie

P.S. Don't forget to check out the new W vs. P

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Yeah, well, guilty as charged. I've been kind of looking forward to my mother's death for years, just so I can eulogize her with Childhood Is The Kingdom Where Nobody Dies. Oh it sounds bad now, but I've got a really nice voice and I will own that funeral, I shit you not.

I started out as an actor and what I lacked in talent, charisma and appearance I made up for with my freakish memory for the poetry of language. I compounded the problem with an English degree and now there's a lot of stuff floating around in my head with no practical application beyond recognizing the source material for the Amanda Byrnes transvestite teen comedy, She's The Man. I suppose it could be worse; our last Creative Director graduated as a chemist. Deep down, I know he wanted to push headings like “Wake up and smell the C8H10N4O2.”

But enough about that. Last Tuesday was the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination (Happy Racism Day! cards now 50% off at Hallmark) and we marked the occasion with a comic that was enjoyed by many but regrettably lost on some. I'd have thought it obvious that our message was anti-racism, but… no. Adding insult to, uh, insult was the subject line on most of the e-mails: “Screw you and your lousy comic, Graham. No wonder your parents don't love you.”

Ouch. Try waking up to an inbox full of those. I was too down to keep up my end of the Words vs. Pictures debate.

At this point I should mention that our mailing list update always concludes:

You're receiving these e-mails for one of two reasons: you like us or somebody doesn't like you. If it's the latter, just be glad they didn't put you on the NAMBLA mailing list. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this e-mail with the subject line “Screw you and your lousy comic, Graham. No wonder your parents don't love you.”

Seemed funny when I wrote it. Less so when the boomerang came back and hit me in the face. So I'm asking for your help to create a new passive-aggressive line to deter unsubscribers – something I can feel good about receiving. Your submission should complete the sentence: to unsubscribe, simply reply to this e-mail with the subject line “_____.” Ideally without referencing the defining tragedy of my life. Here are a few thought starters:

  • I love the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh.
  • I want you inside me, Graham.
  • I'm a humourless idiot.
  • It's not you. It's me.
  • My doctor tells me if I laugh too hard, I'll die!
  • Your genitals are quite remarkable!
  • My two front teeth are also molars. It makes biting hard, but I chew real good!
  • I no longer desire your bionic testicles, Jamie.
  • Please keep this nude photo of me as a keepsake.
  • My parents were first cousins.
  • My friends tell me I'm an ugly Steve Buschemi
  • I am sexually attracted to livestock.

Send your lines to [email protected]. We'll put the best ones to a special Words vs. Pictures vote and let you select the winner.

-Graham

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