No, you Cannes't

Posted on June 26th, 2006

“We've all been raised by television to believe that one day we'll all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't.”        -Tyler Durden, Fight Club

The brilliant, industry-defining work showcased at Cannes is a never-ending source of inspiration. Unless you've been shortlisted.

It's like the lotto. You buy a ticket, but you never really expect to win. So you don't think of it as losing. You just shrug and move on. But to be one number away from the jackpot... well, frankly that stings like battery acid on my scrotum.

I know: boo hoo, right? It's not enough that my job is to receive vast sums of cash just to hang out with my friend and have fun. No, I want to receive international acclaim for doing it.

Like you don't.

So, in the time-honoured tradition of bitter creatives everywhere, let's take a few moments to say mean things about the work that won:

Chupa Chups I'm sorry, but this campaign makes me think of projectile vomit. More specifically, it makes me think of Rachel, my grade 6 classmate who threw up macaroni and chocolate milk. All the kids gathered around to stare in wonder at her bile, which made her smile proudly. This was at a school for gifted students, by the way.

VW Fox I'm a fan of Jennifer Shiman's 30-Second Bunny Theatre, but slapping your product shot and logo on the end of a pre-existing short? They award Lions for that?

NoitulovE Actually, this is a pretty fantastic ad.

Mr 80 SPF Sunblock Wearer Okay, I've totally run out of bitterness. I admit it. The winners deserved to win. I just wanted to single this ad out as the one that speaks to me so clearly, it made me think of the retina-scan advertising from Minority Report.

Finally, two ads that - like ours - were denied their rightful place at Cannes. I feel for them, and have created awards to suit their merits.

Best Celebrity Endorsement One cannot help but think of the goddess Athena, birthed fully grown from the head of Zeus.

Most Subtle Use Of Subliminal Sexual Imagery Choco! Party! Good Good!


P.S. Join the award-themed words vs. pictures debate here

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