June
26th, 2006
“We've
all been raised by television to believe that one day we'll
all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we
won't.”
-Tyler
Durden, Fight Club
The brilliant,
industry-defining work showcased at Cannes
is a never-ending source of inspiration. Unless you've been
shortlisted.
It's like
the lotto. You buy a ticket, but you never really expect to
win. So you don't think of it as losing. You just shrug and
move on. But to be one number away from the jackpot... well,
frankly that stings like battery acid on my scrotum.
I know:
boo hoo, right? It's not enough that my job is to receive
vast sums of cash just to hang out with my friend and have fun.
No, I want to receive international
acclaim for doing it.
Like you
don't.
So, in the
time-honoured tradition of bitter creatives everywhere, let's
take a few moments to say mean things about the work that won:
Chupa
Chups
I'm sorry, but this campaign makes me think of projectile vomit.
More specifically, it makes me think of Rachel, my grade 6 classmate
who threw up macaroni and chocolate milk. All the kids gathered
around to stare in wonder at her bile, which made her smile
proudly. This was at a school for gifted students, by the way.
VW
Fox
I'm a fan of Jennifer Shiman's
30-Second Bunny Theatre, but slapping your product shot
and logo on the end of a pre-existing short? They award Lions
for that?
NoitulovE
Actually, this is a pretty fantastic ad. But this
is the one that continues to haunt me. I mean, it's so jaw-droppingly
perfect that even its parodies
win Silver.
Mr
80 SPF Sunblock Wearer
Okay, I've totally run out of bitterness. I admit it. The winners
deserved to win. I just wanted to single this ad out as the
one that speaks to me so clearly, it made me think of the retina-scan
advertising from Minority Report.
Finally,
two ads that - like ours - were denied their rightful place
at Cannes. I feel for them, and have created awards to suit
their merits.
Best
Celebrity Endorsement
One cannot help but think of the goddess Athena, birthed fully
grown from the head of Zeus.
Most
Subtle Use Of Subliminal Sexual Imagery
Choco! Party! Good Good!
-Graham
P.S. Join
the award-themed words vs. pictures debate here.
