Sketch comedy

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Like good scotch, my photos need to age at least 12 years before I find them palatable. It’s only looking back that I realize what felt scrawny/fat/awkward at the time was actually… exactly as scrawny/fat/awkward as I remember. But everything looks better in retrospect once you’ve had some time to grow uglier.

I’ve made a point of never posting images of myself online and untagging myself when friends post photos on Facebook. That’s partly because I didn’t want to destroy any mental image you might have of us and mostly because Jamie really is an asshole who’ll instantly abuse my likeness to indulge his unspeakable fetishes.

Still, in the spirit of the Dove Real Beauty Sketches, I’m going to suck up my shame and show you what I really look like.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

While this falls short of the mandatory 12-year buffer (which is probably why my head looks crudely Photoshopped on my own body), I have to admit posing next to senior citizens is always a good tactic. The woman on the left is real. The lifelike puppet in the middle appears to be part of my ventriloquist act.

That’s me at 13. Notice how I get better looking the closer we get to baby photos. The school motto was “Realizing Potential” which I only remember because it’s haunted me for two decades. Fun fact: the other guys in this photo went on to become a doctor, concert violinist and Julliard-trained opera singer. Not pictured: the Harvard Ph.D. who refused to dance with me because she said I was a freak. Good times!

Jesus, I’m beautiful. My eyelashes are longer than my sister’s. I have flawless, alabaster skin that shouldn’t exist outside a Stephanie Meyer novel. Not so much as a single freckle, pimple, wrinkle or ounce of fat. Yet.

In about 10 years, that lithe whippet’s going to start using Weight Gainer powder in a desperate attempt to bulk up his scrawny frame, never realizing that product might as well be marketed under the brand name The Ravages Of Time™.

Speaking of time, I lied about the 12-year waiting period. I loved this picture the instant I saw it:

- Graham 

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